Over
the years I have had a unique opportunity to see inside the ministry of the
church. From pretty much every perspective, I have noticed that there always
seems to be an unsung servant in the church. This individual may be up front in
ministry or may be one who sits back and quietly lives, to the best of their
ability, as an example of what it means to be an authentic Christian.
Sometimes, they do a great job. At other times mistakes and missteps happen. It
seems that this individual pays the price, more than almost anyone else, for the
mistakes, but at the same time is seldom recognized for the steady effort and
example they try to exhibit. It is also true that many of the
"mistakes" are nothing more than misunderstandings and
mischaracterizations leveled by people who are seldom aware of what's really
happening. Since confidentiality is often important in church ministry, this
individual must often take hits for things that are not true, but for the sake
of helping and protecting others, the truth remains confidential. Criticisms are
abundant, encouragements are few and the fish bowl is small. Who is this
individual? Stay tuned!
Growing
up, my parents were both very involved in multiple aspects of the church. My
dad was a Sunday school superintendent, board member, guitar player and all
around utility guy. When things needed to get done, he always tried to help if
he was able. My mom taught me in Sunday school, children's church and also in
what you might call the hand to backside discipleship program. If I wasn't
being a good disciple her hand would guide me from the backside. If church was
happening, we were there. Sunday morning, Sunday evening, Wednesday night Bible
study, work day, chicken dinner cooking day, church janitorial duty, you get
the point. My parents were and continue to be amazing examples of what it means
to have a servant’s heart.
My
best friend in the world, at that time, was the pastor's son, Brian. The truth
is we were more like brothers than friends. I remember one particular summer,
that we hung out nearly every day. Either he was staying at our house, or I was
staying at the pastor's house. It was great. It was also revealing.
Later,
I felt my own call into the ministry. Through the years, I've had the
opportunity to be youth pastor, board member, assistant pastor, and in the last
few years, the "senior" pastor. All of these positions have also
given me the opportunity to see ministry from every angle.
I
share these things with you to give you some perspective that I feel like I know
of the things which I'm about to speak. I've seen the church from the Sunday
morning side when everything appears to be perfect, and I've witnessed it from
behind the scenes when it quickly becomes apparent that the church, from the
pastor, his family, and the members of the church are all imperfect people
trying to serve a perfect God.
And
yet, there is one individual who is often expected to be perfect at all times.
Some of you think I'm about to talk about your pastor, right? Although it's
true that a typical pastor is also under a lot of scrutiny as well, it's not
your pastor I'm talking about. I'm talking about your pastor's wife. No, I'm
not being sexist either. I realize that there are female pastors as well, but
for the sake of today's blog, I'm speaking about the faithful pastor's wives
that serve God, their husbands, their families and churches, oftentimes, with
very little recognition and under the magnifying glass of incredible scrutiny.
I can't speak for all pastor's wives, but I do want to say a few things that
may very well be true of your pastor's wife no matter what church you attend.
1.
The calling of a Pastor's wife is very unique.
I
struggled with how to word this one without being misunderstood. I started to
write that the pastor's wife isn't necessarily a Biblical calling. I know how
that sounds and I don't mean it the way it sounds. What I mean to say is that
there are very few wives (I'm not sure if there are any) who get called to be a
pastor's wife and so the husband drops everything and becomes a pastor in order
for his wife to fulfill her call. Typically, it's the other way around. Usually
the husband is called into the ministry. This may or may not be something that
was known before the couple was married, but the point is, sometimes your
pastor's wife is just your pastor's wife. They weren't necessarily
"called" into what many expect the pastor’s wife to be. Usually it
sounds something like, “Well, God put the pastor and his wife together so she
must have been born to be a “pastor’s wife.” Often, they just happened to be the wife of
someone who was called into the ministry. (This applies to your pastor's kids as well. They
aren't your pastors, they are kids. Let them be kids.)This is a unique and
beautiful calling in and of itself. The problem is that a pastor's wife is
almost universally expected to be someone she may not be. This is not fair.
The
pastor's wife is often expected to be the piano or keyboard player, the worship
leader, the children's church leader, woman's ministry director, the secretary,
the janitor, etc. etc. etc.....If she doesn't live up to all of those
expectations then she is somehow less than.
Add
to these things that the pastor's wife is also expected to keep the perfect
home so any church member can drop by anytime they feel like it. When they
knock on the door, the house must be perfect, the coffee should be on and the
snacks should be ready. After all, it's her duty to be "hospitable."
The Bible even says so, right?
Oh,
and lest I forget, the pastor's wife must always be in a perfectly happy mood.
No room for bad days. Church members are allowed to be grumpy, but not Mrs.
Pastor. Nope! No Way! It isn't relevant whether she got no sleep because she
was at the hospital with a member all night. It doesn't matter if some loving
saint has been gossiping about her husband, her kids or maybe herself. It doesn't
even matter if she's not feeling well, but shows up anyway. What really doesn't
matter is that she may just be struggling and feeling alone and no one seems to
notice. The happy face must be on. June Cleaver where are you when we need
you??
Speaking
of feeling alone.
2.
Chances are your pastor's wife struggles with friendship.
I
may be saying something here that your pastor's wife wouldn't necessarily want
me to say, but here goes. I'm sure there are exceptions, but the truth is your
pastor's wife may very well feel alone and isolated. How is that possible? How
can you be alone and isolated when you are surrounded by people all the time?
Turns out it's pretty easy. It happens when the pastor's wife puts herself out
there to "friends" in the church. There are those people who say
things like, "We are here for you." "We've got your back."
"You can trust me." So she opens up and shares her true heart,
feelings and struggles with someone she trusts only to find out that her heart
was shaped into a knife and placed directly in her back. Over the course of
time, it becomes easier to shove feelings down inside and walk alone rather
than risk getting hurt again. I know what some may be thinking, "That's not the
Christian thing to do. She shouldn't feel that way." "She should just know that
you have to be a friend to make a friend." Easy to say. Difficult to do when history shows you differently.
3.
Your pastor's wife could probably use a thank you
Most
pastor's wives are doing the best they can. Sometimes they are walking a path
that they aren't quite sure how to walk. Sometimes they are sure, but the path
isn't necessarily popular. It's not easy. I'll bet your pastor's wife could use
a thank you. I'd like to encourage you to take time and let her know you appreciate
her. You probably don't know how much it would mean to her.
And
so I would like to take my own advice and send out a huge thank you to the
pastor's wives who have been important in my life. Some have gone on to their
reward, some are retired and some are still going strong. Thank you for your
example. Thank you for remaining faithful, Thank you for staying the course
when it would have been easier to throw in the towel. Thank you for loving and
protecting your flock along with your husband despite the personal sacrifice to
you and your family.
Thank
You, Beulah Pooler, Glenna Odam, Velda Walker, Sister Westcott, Debbie Moore,
Marilyn Scanlon, and Elizabeth Comer. Also, thank you to Peggy Olds. Although
you were never my local pastor's wife, you have been an amazing example of
grace, love and staying the course. You are amazing and I am thankful for the
place you have had in my life and in the life of my family. Thank you to anyone
who I may have left out. It wasn't intentional. You deserve the honor.
Last,
but in no way least, thank you to my amazing wife, Ann Osborne. You have stood
by me through every up and down of ministry and you are still going strong.
Thank you for being there for me, our kids and for our church. I Love You.
Be
Blessed, Tom
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